The last time I sat down to write as a hobby was 2018. It was the best of posts and the last of posts….for a while. Life was incredibly busy with lots of babies, toddlers and a brand new reader. Those were some chaotic happenings in my world, but they were sweet. Today, was my youngest little dudes preschool graduation. He looked dapper with his big kid haircut, and larger than life grin. I turned and looked down the pew at my once tiny tots that are now growing big kids. My manchild is 11, his shadow is 8, the sister is 7, and Hulk is 5 now. I can’t believe how fast it happened, and whats more, how fast I feel like the next few years will pass! In all my nostalgia, I was reminded of the simple truth- they really don’t stay little for long. That statement has always sounded cliche to me, and in the trenches, downright dismissive of the struggle. It still remains to be true! My kids are not babies anymore, and as much as I want to hold onto those sweet baby snuggles, I also want to be present and learning how to engage this new chapter in parenting. This growing, transforming, and shifting in mindset has me channeling my inner Ross! “Pivot, PIVOT!!!” Many years, especially when my kids were tiny, I neglected God’s word. I’m ashamed to admit it, because I went to the Bible studies, and attended church faithfully, genuinely trying to grow in my faith during that time. I pulled from what I knew, already had memorized or basically would suck up any wise nugget or crumb another mom or person would throw out at me. I was starving spiritually. I didn’t realize it at the time, but reading God’s word has never been optional, and definitely not something I could ration out over several years. It’s living and active, able to fit into all the crevasses and chaos. It wasn’t that I didn’t have time, its that I was looking for this magical unicorn called a “quiet time”. I had been taught since I was young that you needed to have time alone with God, every day! How do you do that with small children? I was so frustrated by this illusive quiet time!! I was equally frustrated by this other ditch I wanted to run off into that looked like some instagram post where the lighting is beautiful, the Bible is opened up under a window, with a journal, cup of coffee and pens/highlighters. Please do NOT hear me say that Bible reading shouldn’t be beautiful, or that its wrong if thats how your Bible reading time looks…I’m NOT knocking you. In fact, I have goals! Maybe one day this will be me as well. Who knows! All I am saying is that this idea kept me from reading God’s word, and if I don’t watch out….can suck me right back. I had to stop looking for a perfect time, because that doesn’t exist. What does exist is audio versions of the Bible, digital copies, cheap paper back copies, and dare I say, reading from our phones? I balked at the idea of the audio version because it felt like cheating! Why? Legalism. Perfectionism trying to suck me back. I absolutely agree that our children need to see us reading God’s physical word, but more importantly they need to see us living out God’s word. I can’t live that word, if I don’t KNOW that word. I won’t feel the sting of conviction from God’s word, or to be encouraged by His word unless I am IN His word. My little guy who wants to know the answer to the same question he asked about ten times in the same hour? He needs to be answered with patience and kindness….which I do not posses. That patience comes from God’s word working out my own sin, selfishness and pride. God is always patient, and kind, and long suffering when I ask him over, and over, and over for the things that I need. The family that God placed me in, the number of children I would have, the dynamics of each child…he knew. He prepared a table for us to feast from daily, not weekly or monthly. I was genuinely waiting for the baby to go to sleep, the toddler to nap, the big kid to go play legos….always waiting for the right time, so I could do it the right way, so I would get the right results. The hard truth is that the time was always there, we can’t do it the right way, apart from Christ, and the results aren’t up to us! The Lord works all that out. It’s not wrong to want to do things well, but we can still be genuinely wrong in our thinking. So here is the challenge for you, and for me…

Be in the word. Be a student of the word. Love the word. Live the word. Let it divide what needs to be divided. Let it bring life where there needs to be new life! Be encouraged that today is a good day to start…don’t wait for the New Year. Start today. We have been waiting too long….start!

Tonight was chaotic, and yet it was completely ordinary. The dishes in the sink were piled high, evidence of a meal prepared. The kids were running back and forth to the table, The baby was crying, wanting to be let out of his Pack n play jail, so he was moved to his high chair, one step closer to food. The hubby was working, as he does every evening. His presence is missed, and he will usually send a text of “How’s it going?”

I struggle to adequately describe the chaos that is swirling around me. Most days I dive off into the explanation of what child did what, to whom and why I thought it might be the night I lose my mind. We do this, right? The joy is often lost for me, in my need for validation and being heard. The joy slips right by me, and I miss it. Tonight was not a typical night, and for that I am grateful. The kids were being very kind, and trying to feed baby brother as they were all eating their food in somewhat of an orderly fashion. The oldest was finished first, and was asking for left over cookies from a child’s birthday party over the weekend. I’m sure if your kids are anything like mine, they have bloodhound noses for all things yummy and delicious. Give them meat and you just tried to poison them! Sound familiar? Yeah, parents everywhere know it’s a universal toddler truth. Tonight, I had an interaction with my middle little boy who definitely warrants documentation. This little guy is both the sweetest, and the most defiant child I have ever known. He is loyal, emotional, sentimental and a strong defender. He is both hysterical and maddening in the same interaction. Tonight was no different, and here is how our conversation took place.

Let me set the stage for you….

Oldest child, in true oldest child fashion, finished his dinner first and requested his cookie. The little lady of the house was finishing up her roast and rice, and about to enjoy her spoils of war. My middle little, while he had polished off his rice very quickly, was taking his sweet lovin time with every tiny bite of meat. Again, meat is poison to toddlers. Out of nowhere, this little guy tells me, “Mommy, God told me to not eat my food.”  I said, “Really? Well how do you know He told you to not eat your food?” He said, “He told me in my head to not eat my food.” I said, “Really? Well, I doubt he did that, but did you know that God told children to obey their parents? And mommy says that you need to eat your meat.” He quickly responded, this time with a little frustration in his voice, “Well, God told me that I can’t eat my food.” I also quickly responded, “Well that’s really sad for you. Mommy says you can’t have a brownie till your meat is gone.” He laughs and says, “God was just making a joke! He was KIDDING. I can eat my food!” I said “You are right….God DOES have jokes!! He finished his food in about 2 minutes without incident, and his brownie was devoured in much less time. He was motivated!!

Motivation is tricky. The payoffs for a task well done, are often not acknowledged, sometimes, go completely unnoticed by anyone. The motivation for what we do as mothers, fathers, and even children has got to come from something more important than how many likes we got on Facebook today, or the people in our lives expectations of us, or should I mention the expectations we place on ourselves? Those are usually the worst for me, and truth be known, cause the most friction in my home. The motivation to achieve, to strength one another, and the overall joy of living must come from the giver of life, the ultimate motivator who knows our hearts most deeply. As I write these words, realize I’m preaching this to my own heart. Tonight could have easily been lost in the shuffle of the normal, the chaos, and the frustrated mom heart. Tonight was a reminder of the motivation that God brings to the table. His table. His word. His words are life. His words are truth. His words are brownies to my soul.

“Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!”  Psalm 34:8